I'm still in the process of figuring out how I want to document my Tulum and Playa Del Carmen trip. It was such an incredible experience, and of course I want to do it justice. But for today, I wanted to write something meaningful to celebrate my 34th birthday.
Everyone always tells you about the fun things that happen on vacation but I want to talk about travel anxiety. I didn't realize the extent of mine. Every day I envy all of the women I see on social media, jet-setting the globe while looking absolutely perfect in the process. They make it appear so easy! Fortunately, I now know that travel (naturally) upends my entire routine and if I'm too stuck in my own head to recognize that, panic will ensue. The fear will be there in the back of my mind, waiting to rear its ugly head; my determination to travel past the fear will be there too.
Let me explain...
Katie and I had the best two days in Playa Del Carmen. I actually prefer it to Tulum, but more on that later. We stayed at the Thompson for two nights, and then headed to Tulum Saturday morning. All day Saturday I had an awful feeling in my stomach. Of course I couldn't tell if it was something I had eaten, too many margaritas from the night before, or nerves but I just went with it and we ended up having a great time. We went out that night to a big beach party at the Papaya Playa Project, Tulum's famous night spot.
The next day, I was a complete and total wreck and it wasn't a hangover. All I can say is, I had a full-blown panic attack and it did not subside for 24 hours. I stayed in our hotel room, pacing, shaking like a leaf, crying, and trying to slow my heart rate. I thought I was dying, I remember asking Katie if I should call a doctor. I felt terrible for her, who I don't think has ever seen me quite so bad before. She tried so hard to ease my mind, but anyone who suffers from anxiety/panic disorder knows, there isn't a single damn thing that anyone can do or say. I appreciated her comfort though. I thought she was going to get angry or frustrated by the situation, but instead she stayed with me even though I kept telling her to go do some sightseeing on her own. So there we were, in one of the most beautiful places we've ever seen, staring out the window of our hotel room.
I keep wondering, "why can't I fix this one thing in my life?" It's exhausting being this way, although I don't know anything different. It makes me angry, powerless in my quest to control my own mind and subsequently my own body. I didn't sleep a wink that night, but there was an upside to that - I watched the sunrise the next morning from our balcony. This warm feeling washed over me, and I started crying. This time not out of fear or worry, but out of gratitude.
Tulum Sunrise, 9/3/2018
I was also so so grateful for my friend Katie.
We ended up having a gorgeous day in Tulum, and the travel anxiety vanished as quickly as it came.
I've decided that I can focus on the one day out of our trip that was a disaster, but instead I'm choosing to focus on the four days that were magical.
I had to write this. I apologize for its length! I just wanted to keep it real. Not every travel moment is Instagram-worthy. Actually, the moments in which we truly live and grow aren't. Let's all keep that in mind as we follow social media stars around the world, okay? I certainly will.
The magical days in Mexico will be up next week, and I hope you'll stop by again.
Linking up with Gina and Amy Ann.
