9.12.2018


I'm still in the process of figuring out how I want to document my Tulum and Playa Del Carmen trip. It was such an incredible experience, and of course I want to do it justice. But for today, I wanted to write something meaningful to celebrate my 34th birthday.

Everyone always tells you about the fun things that happen on vacation but I want to talk about travel anxiety. I didn't realize the extent of mine. Every day I envy all of the women I see on social media,  jet-setting the globe while looking absolutely perfect in the process. They make it appear so easy!  Fortunately, I now know that travel (naturally) upends my entire routine and if I'm too stuck in my own head to recognize that, panic will ensue.  The fear will be there in the back of my mind, waiting to rear its ugly head; my determination to travel past the fear will be there too.

 Let me explain...



Katie and I had the best two days in Playa Del Carmen. I actually prefer it to Tulum, but more on that later. We stayed at the Thompson for two nights, and then headed to Tulum Saturday morning. All day Saturday I had an awful feeling in my stomach. Of course I couldn't tell if it was something I had eaten, too many margaritas from the night before, or nerves but I just went with it and we ended up having a great time. We went out that night to a big beach party at the Papaya Playa Project, Tulum's famous night spot.

The next day, I was a complete and total wreck and it wasn't a hangover. All I can say is, I had a full-blown panic attack and it did not subside for 24 hours. I stayed in our hotel room, pacing, shaking like a leaf, crying, and trying to slow my heart rate. I thought I was dying, I remember asking Katie if I should call a doctor. I felt terrible for her, who I don't think has ever seen me quite so bad before. She tried so hard to ease my mind, but anyone who suffers from anxiety/panic disorder knows, there isn't a single damn thing that anyone can do or say. I appreciated her comfort though. I thought she was going to get angry or frustrated by the situation, but instead she stayed with me even though I kept telling her to go do some sightseeing on her own. So there we were, in one of the most beautiful places we've ever seen, staring out the window of our hotel room.

I keep wondering, "why can't I fix this one thing in my life?" It's exhausting being this way, although I don't know anything different. It makes me angry, powerless in my quest to control my own mind and subsequently my own body. I didn't sleep a wink that night, but there was an upside to that - I watched the sunrise the next morning from our balcony. This warm feeling washed over me, and I started crying. This time not out of fear or worry, but out of gratitude.

Tulum Sunrise, 9/3/2018

I listened to way too many people who discouraged me from going to Mexico. I let their experiences shape mine, and I think all of that negative talk got the best of me. I was definitely out of my comfort zone, and of course that triggers anxiety. Although I spoke Spanish as a child, I sadly let the language slip by in my teens and it's been hard to pick it back up. That's one of my biggest regrets in life. But since practicing while in Mexico where many of our interactions were only in Spanish, it's coming back a bit. My mom is only speaking with me in Spanish now. I want to get in touch with my roots. I want to be stronger, more capable. I'm proud of my Mom for getting out of her comfort zone and coming to this country with nothing but the clothes on her back, working her way through Los Angeles, and obtaining her citizenship. I can only imagine how terrifying that must have been, a tiny 4 foot 11 woman who barely spoke English. I thought of all of these things watching that Tulum sunrise, and the anxiety and all of my physical symptoms went away.

I was also so so grateful for my friend Katie.

We ended up having a gorgeous day in Tulum, and the travel anxiety vanished as quickly as it came.

I've decided that I can focus on the one day out of our trip that was a disaster, but instead I'm choosing to focus on the four days that were magical.

I had to write this. I apologize for its length! I just wanted to keep it real. Not every travel moment is Instagram-worthy. Actually, the moments in which we truly live and grow aren't. Let's all keep that in mind as we follow social media stars around the world, okay? I certainly will.

The magical days in Mexico will be up next week, and I hope you'll stop by again.

Linking up with Gina and Amy Ann. 

10 comments:

  1. You are so brave to share your story and bring awareness! You are helping so many people!

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    1. Thank you Laura :) I don’t think I’m brave, but I do feel much more at ease after I gather my thoughts enough to articulate them. It feels good to talk about my struggles with you guys.

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  2. Wow, Noelle, once again I admire your courage in sharing this! I hope it was therapeutic for you! I love the perspective you took in using your mom as inspiration to help you get through your anxiety on this trip! It really is amazing what other humans have gone through to make a better life for themselves and their families. I'm glad you had four days that were magical, because it sure did look amazing from what you shared on Instagram. Happy Birthday friend!
    Gina || On the Daily Express

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    1. Thank you Gina, as I said before though, I really don’t find myself to be brave! I just get so curious when I see everyone else raving about travel and not posting anything that might have been negative regarding it. Travel is a learning experience, and some of it not necessarily happy. I just wanted to address my fears before writing about the positive days I had in Mexico :)

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  3. Oh sweetie i’m so sorry about the anxiety attack. As a fellow sufferer of them I sympathize with you. I read somewhere once that even a “bad” trip is still good for the soul. You may have felt horrible that day and the night that came, but it is still part of your travel experience. We grow so much as individuals when we leave our comfort zones.

    Wishing you a happy birthday and many more wonderful travels.

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    1. I know you understand :) I’m really glad I pushed through the panic and had a wonderful time the next day! I can’t let anxiety win, or else I’ll never leave my own house!

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  4. I know how you feel. Unfortunately, literally. There have been times when I was just about convinced I had appendicitis, but no, just travel anxiety. I actually flew alone for the first time (!) this month and even though I ended up in a worst case scenario, once I was in it, I avoided a meltdown, and I feel very proud of myself. Travel anxiety sucks. I wish every moment could be as perfect as your sunrise.
    Chic on the Cheap

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    1. Congrats on flying solo! I’ve done that once for a very short flight. Crazy how some people fly alone all the time! I’m sure it just takes getting used to especially for work where you don’t have a choice. It’s okay to admit that we aren’t the savviest travelers right? Or I mean I’m definitely not!

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  5. Definitely not all moments shared a perfect. In fact, I think most of the time the effort required to get the perfect picture means that the moment probably wasn't perfect. It takes away. I try to member that too. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you had a bad day, but I am glad it did go away and you ere able to enjoy. Your mom sounds amazing!

    Amy Ann
    Straight A Style

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    1. Thank you Amy Ann :) My mom really is amazing! This trip was eye opening for me in terms of her strength

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