2.12.2020

I'm sure you don't need a reminder that Valentine's Day is almost here, so instead of talking about what I'll be doing to celebrate, I want to briefly let you in on something.

I've been struggling lately with my mood, my overall outlook on the world, and with loving myself. There have been way too many days than I'd care to admit that I haven't gotten dressed or even left the house. When I have gone out things have actually been good, but always with the anticipation of retreating to my bed as quickly as possible. I know what this means, as it's all too familiar. The thing about managing depression and anxiety is that just when you feel like you've conquered them, they come back with a vengeance. They sneak up. It's so disheartening, and there's a lot of guilt associated with it because there really is so much to be grateful for.

I look around and I see all these wonderful, talented women who are getting things done, accomplishing goals, and living life to the fullest. I always thought I'd be one of them, but instead I feel like I'm just barely treading water. If I'm being completely honest, the only times I've felt human so far this year are these, when I force myself to get dressed to take blog photos. I look at them and wonder if others can tell that this is the first time in about 3 days that I've done my hair and makeup and have put myself together. I ordered this pretty new dress for Spring, and although it is indeed a pretty dress, as soon as I took it off, I immediately felt down again. As a blogger who writes about style and beauty regularly, it's ironic. Sometimes I just feel phony, like I'm portraying myself in ways that aren't real. Nate thinks it's the opposite, that these images really are the real me when I'm not clouded in sadness, anxiety, and guilt. I'd like to believe he's right.

Wearing // Floral dress (wearing medium), Similar sandals, Anthropologie necklace, sold out Madewell bag


I try not to compare my days to someone else's but sometimes it's nearly impossible. There are so many reasons to not feel good enough in today's digital world. I assumed it would be jealousy of another woman's slender figure, perfectly full eyebrows, or voluminous hair. But really, what I'm most envious of are their personalities and the way that they carry themselves. And by they, I mean women I personally know as well as women I've never met. I'm envious of women who have true confidence and who can carry a conversation without staring at the ground or fumbling their words. I'm envious of women who have taken control of their own destiny, who have taken risks to get where they are in their careers. I'm envious of women who don't constantly doubt themselves. These are the things that I envy now, and while all of this should inspire me, when I'm in a funk it just brings about feelings of self-loathing. Not exactly hearts and flowers over here.

I know depression is something I'll always struggle with. It comes and goes in waves, like most things in life. That's the beauty of it I guess. Just when I feel lower than low, something happens or someone says something to snap me back to gratitude. Who knows, by this time next week I might reread this and be embarrassed because I feel great.

I didn't intend to write a dreary post during what's supposed to be a love-filled week, but I just needed to get it off my chest. These feelings will pass. I'm going to put this dress on again for Valentine's Day, and even if my mood isn't quite as high as years past, I'm going to celebrate anyway. I think the hardest love of all, at least for me, is self-love and it's something I have to work on every day. I read a quote somewhere recently that resonated with me so I'll leave it here. "Work with your darkness, but don't let it swallow your light."

Enough about me, how are you all doing? 

8 comments:

  1. Noelle - I'm so sorry you've been feeling down. I think we all struggle with insecurities and there are a lot of days where I don't feel great about life either. Just know that you are where you need to be, and that you'll find everything you need in due time. Everyone is on a different journey. I hope you have a great Valentines Day with Nate and that you start feeling better soon!

    BTW this is such a beautiful dress! I miss the sun!

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    1. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this comment means to me. Sometimes when I write about these more personal topics I get scared that it's too much for some people and that I'm being overly dramatic. Today has been a good day :) I hope you enjoy yours as well, and thank you for reading.

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  2. I just came across your blog today because it was reccomended on the GOMI forum as a great styling site for curvy petite women. I must say I was blown away by your beautiful style and will definitely use your posts as inspiration, but what I also love is how intelligent and honest you are when writing about other things, like in this post. I totally get you, I had a terrible few months when I could barely get out of bed sometimes, but it feels like I'm on the mend at the moment, gaining more enrgy and interest in life daily. I just wanted to express my gratitude and let you know how amazing you are and how much posts like this matter. I really look forward to following you in the future!

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    1. Wow, thank you! I'm happy to know I'm on GOMI for a positive reason and not because I have a thread on there! Lord knows I would call it quits otherwise LOL. I really appreciate you coming by, reading, and leaving me this comment. I have wasted so many weeks, months, maybe even years of my life feeling so incredibly sad and am right there with you on not being able to get out of bed or function normally. If you read back far enough to some of my older posts on mental health and coming off medications like Zoloft and Prozac you will find that I've gone back and forth on being able to manage things on my own and with the help of my therapist. It's a constant battle and I know it always will be. But, I also know that mental health issues are extremely common and we are not alone. Please feel free to email me or stop by here anytime you like! I do mostly blog about clothes and beauty, but I'm open to suggestions, critiques, etc. Thank you again :)

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  3. Noelle, know that Nate is 100 percent right, this is the real you. I wish you could see what I see, know that I'm always available if you need to chat or just a cheer, I'm good at that lol. Please take care of yourself. xoxo

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    1. Thank you Rachelle, I promise I'll take you up on that <3
      I miss our group texts with Gina and Caryl :)

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  4. I'm with you Noelle, and I'm glad you are brave enough to put those feelings out there, because so few people will do so, and do so honestly. I think treading water just about sums my feelings about my life up, I might be keeping my head above water, but I'm not going anywhere. I hope your depression ebbs soon and you can embrace the moments of feeling grateful for your life, and know that you are not alone, but most of us feel the constant pressure to hide it.
    Chic on the Cheap

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