Brace yourself. This is going to be a long one, and it's probably the most personal I've written. If you aren't interested I completely understand! Come back Friday for a beauty post!
That being said, I have some new readers here (hi!) so let me preface this by writing that mental health issues are near to my heart. Why? Because I have them. I'm very open about my struggles with anxiety and depression, and just like any physical ailment that you might be able to see, it needs to be properly treated. But unlike a physical condition, you can't always tell if someone is struggling with a mental illness. Most people have no clue what I experience. I've learned over the years how to hide it so that I could make friends, go to school, get a job. A mentor of mine says it's by the grace of God that I'm resilient, and I agree.
I've had generalized anxiety since childhood. I never wanted to be around other kids and I would get sick to my stomach almost every day before leaving for school. My parents didn't know what to do with their peculiar only child. They thought I was just shy, a phase I'd eventually grow out of. I didn't. I just learned how to cope in my own little way. By the time I was in 4th grade, I was having panic attacks regularly. My heart would constantly race and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I went to several specialists. None of them found anything wrong with me. Then I went to see a therapist. The real culprit was my head, not my heart.
This went on for years. Through high school, college, and today as a 32 year old woman. I dance around it, having some periods of relief and then other periods where I am a total wreck. I've learned what my triggers are though, and a big one is change. When I graduated from college with my degree in human development (I don't recommend this degree by the way unless you really do want to become a social worker, counselor, or therapist) I went to work for an out-patient rehab facility and there were some extremely unethical practices going on there. I was so distraught over what I saw that I quit one day on the spot. Literally packed my shit and got the hell out of that place as fast as my feet could carry me. I remember it was pouring rain, and I sat in my car and cried. I was fresh out of college and I thought helping others would come easy for me. Little did I know that not every professional has that same purpose in mind. I called Nate, who gave me the number of a therapist well regarded in town. I called her and made an appointment with tears running down my face.
We have done some great work together, but no amount of talking, venting, writing, exercising, crying, screaming, or laughing can fix it. I can't just get over it. It's a chemical imbalance. There is a difference between stress and having real anxiety. So when someone sends me inspirational quotes or tells me to relax by taking a nice lavender bath and it'll all work out, then I know they have no idea what they're talking about. It's not that simple.
I avoided going on medication for years because I was afraid. At the time, taking psych meds meant that I was truly crazy, that I really wasn't like other people. It meant I had to finally deal with my issues in a more invasive way. However, my life was spinning out of control and solely hashing things out with my therapist wasn't cutting it so I tried Zoloft. It worked, but the side effects were awful. My hair began falling out in clumps and I developed a constant cough. I went off of it and although my symptoms subsided, the anxiety and depression came back with a vengeance. Figuring out what works is trial and error, and that's the tricky part. I reluctantly took my therapist's advice and went to a psychiatrist so we could try something else. She prescribed prozac and klonopin. Well that worked! It worked so well in fact that I felt almost cured. Is this what it's like to be normal? I asked myself that every morning. I was on those medications for over a year, but now that I want to start a family, I have weaned myself off and I have cleared my body of everything. Not just those medications but also birth control. What's it like to come off meds? In a word, Hell.
Before I continue, I need to be absolutely clear that I am doing this with the help and oversight of my doctors, and if you are in a similar situation, please seek the advice of yours. Everybody is different. There are some women who continue taking certain medications while pregnant because they really have to. I have decided that I want to go medication-free, but that is my choice. It's important to talk to your doctor and do your own research before stopping
any medications.
Anyway, you couple going off psych meds with going off birth control and you get a whole lot of crazy mood swings. It's been a roller coaster ride, but for the last few days, I've actually surprised myself at just how
okay I'm doing. Like, I'm
really okay. When you don't have a crutch, it's easy to get scared. I know I don't have anything to rely on right now aside from myself and my own ability to cope. I have been talking myself through certain tasks that I find difficult. On our trip to Ohio, I had moments where I wanted to hide from everyone. Nate has a huge extended family and talking to a group of people can feel overwhelming but I did it. I'm realizing that I really can do these things. I might feel uncomfortable in social situations, but I can do it. I can be at peace with being uncomfortable a lot in the next few months. It'll be worth it. And if I decide to go back on medications at a later date, then that's fine too. I most likely will need to.
So that's it, I'm medication free mood swings and all. I've had good days and bad. It's a blast 😏
I'd love to know your thoughts on this, whatever they may be. I'm hoping this community can be a small support system because some of you have become my friends. It's mostly why I continue to blog.
If you made it through, thank you for reading! I really appreciate it.
